Jokes Page

What's the fastest veg?
A runner bean.

What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.

If you had 5 oranges in one hand and 5 apples in the other hand. What would you have?
Massive hands.

Why do dogs wag their tails?
Because no one else will do it for them.

Why did the fortune teller give up fortune telling?
Because there was no future in it.

Which subject is the juiciest?
History because it is full of dates.

What do you call a row of dolls?
A Barbie queue.

Why did the cow look over the wall?
Because she could not look under it.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I've only got 59 seconds to live.
Doctor: Hold on, I'll be with you in a minute.

What did the mother strawberry say to the little strarberry?
Don't get into a jam.

Which is the vets busiest day?
Because When it rains cats and dogs.

What can you break without touching it?
A promise.

What did the ram say to his girlfriend?
I love ewe.

Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I’ve just eaten five red snooker balls, four browns three yellows, a pink, two blacks and a blue. I don’t feel well.
Doctor: No wonder. You’re not eating your greens.

What did the guard say to his stomach?
You're under a vest.

A blonde was walking down the street when a man said "Oh look, a dead pigeon."
The blonde looked UP and said "Where?"

What is the hardest thing about learning to roller-blade?
The ground.

Why does a dog chase its tail?
To make both ends meet.

Teacher: Jimmy, put the word centimetre into a sentence.
Jimmy: My auntie was at the airport and my Daddy was centimetre.

What is easy to get into, but hard to get out of?
Trouble.

Which animals do you have to oil?
Mice - because they squeak.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

How can you fall off a ten metre ladder and not be hurt?
Fall off the bottom rung.

Who got down from a hotel roof first - a blonde or a brunette?
The brunette because the blonde stopped and asked for directions.

How many months have 28 days?
All of them.

Who earns his living without doing a day's work?
A night watchman.

What does a ghost call his parents?
Transparent.

What happens to a tree after it is chopped down?
It is chopped up.

Why does the owl make everyone laugh?
Because he's such a hoot.

How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold its nose.

How do you make a ham roll?
Push it.

Why was Cinderella thrown out of the football team?
Because she kept missing the ball.

How do you keep a blonde busy?
Give her a piece of paper with "please turn over" written on both sides.

What kind of shoes does a train driver wear?
Platform shoes.